Sit down, Texas. I’ll be brief. As you know, President Obama recently appointed me as head of SR (State Relations) for the federal government. As you also know, America has hit some tough times lately. In a nutshell, we’re losing money and have to look for areas to cut costs and increase efficiency. The bottom line is we’re going to have to let you go.
Now, I don’t want you to think we’re making this decision out of retribution because of your recent threat to quit. Far from it. In fact, you actually opened our eyes to options we hadn’t considered before, and for that we’re grateful. This is just a simple cost-benefit analysis. And as we looked over your file and reviewed your history and what you’ve contributed, we realized we had no legitimate justification for keeping you on.
I’m not saying you don’t have any redeeming qualities. You really do. For example, there’s … well, if you gave me some time I might be able to come up with a couple. Wait, Austin! Of course. There’s one. All that great music, South by Southwest and such. Good stuff. Oh, and Willie. Who doesn’t love the Red-Headed Stranger?
However, in recent years, I mean … George Bush, Karl Rove, Tom DeLay, Phil Gramm, Dealey Plaza … I don’t need to go on, you get the point. I’ll be blunt, you’ve created a lot of problems that in large part have led us into the financial mess we’re in today. We’d be irresponsible not to take action.
Then there’s your attitude. A lot of the other states say you’re belligerent, a bully. We’ve received several complaints from Oklahoma alone. “Don’t Mess With Texas,” the guns. We can’t have that. You brag too much, you complain too much, you drink too much. Maybe I’m out of line for saying this, but you act like an adolescent asshole. It’s disruptive, it hurts morale and we’re not going to tolerate it any longer.
As much as we’d like to offer you a severance package, that’s just not possible at the moment. As far as references, if anyone calls I’ll try my best to emphasize your good points. You’re big, great barbecue, whatever. I’ll think of something.
So that’s about it. I’m sorry it’s come to this, but we believe it’s for the best. We’ll have somebody escort you to the new border.
Oh, and on the way out, could you send in Alaska? Thanks.