I’m glad the Vatican has issued a report clarifying the different ways in which men and women sin. Until now, I’ve been confused.

For example, I always thought only men were guilty of “sloth.” Yet it turns out that women can be slothful too! Which initially may seem more confusing, but if you break them into categories — “slothful” and “slothful with tits” — it sorts itself out.

According to the Vatican survey, “pride” was the most common sin for women, while “lust” was the top sin of men.

Sounds a little dubious, I know, but as the BBC confirms, the methodology here is bulletproof:

The report was based on a study of confessions carried out by Fr Roberto Busa, a 95-year-old Jesuit scholar.

As anybody who has ever kneeled in a confession booth knows, the power of God compels you to make up a bunch of vague shit just so you can get out of there itemize your every sin for the priest, who then will absolve you in His name. So the data is as solid as the church’s argument in favor of abstinence.

The Vatican study said the most difficult sins for men to face are (in order): lust, gluttony, sloth, anger, pride, envy and greed. For women it is pride, envy, anger, shoe hoarding, lust and sloth.

If all of this seems rather “Old Testament” to you, fear not:

The Apostolic Penitentiary, one of the Vatican’s most secretive departments, which fixes the punishments and indulgences handed down to sinners, last year updated its list of deadly sins to include more modern ones.

These included: genetic modification, experiments on the person, environmental pollution, taking or selling illegal drugs, social injustice, causing poverty, and financial greed.

Hmm. They’re getting mighty specific in the secret departments of the Vatican these days, which is an irony in itself. Still, one must keep up with the times, as the Catholic Church always has done! Having been awhile since I’ve stepped into a confession booth, maybe I need to do a “soul accounting” for these modern sins:

• Genetic modification: I once wanted to beat an abusive former boss so badly that I’d “change his DNA.” So if intent counts…
• Experiments on the person: Is the “Dirty Sanchez” an experiment or merely an abomination?
• Environmental pollution: Not sure. A carbon footprint/sin chart would be helpful here. Just ballparking, I might sneak into the purgatory category.
• Taking or selling illegal drugs: I’d like to talk to an ordained lawyer, please.
• Social injustice: Never voted for a Republican, so I’m in the clear on this one.
• Causing poverty: See answer for “social injustice.”
• Financial greed: I’d say I wish my 401K would get back above water, but I don’t want to get struck by a thunderbolt or anything.

I guess the bottom line, as always with the Catholic Church, is that we’re all sinners. See you in hell.