As economic uncertainty and fear continue to grip our nation, my wife and I find ourselves searching for ways to insulate our family from catastrophe. We’ve considered the traditional strategies: mortgage unemployment insurance, second jobs, “turning out” our teenage daughter, etc. None of these, however, seem to offer a sufficient margin of security.
Then the other day it hit me. I could become gay. After all, it’s apparent that gays enjoy “special rights and privileges” which the rest of us are denied. I know this from reading reputable web sites such as WorldNetDaily and listening to popular radio talk-show host Dr. Michael Savage. Both cover gay issues in a way that borders on the obsessive, so I figure they really must know what they’re talking about.
Admittedly, I’m not exactly sure what these “special rights and privileges” are, but they’ve got to be pretty good since a lot of Americans seem to resent gays for them. Just making an educated guess, I’d say they might include:
- Generous federal tax deductions
- Government clothing subsidies
- The best tables at trendy restaurants
- Inside track on jobs with Madonna
- Free X-ray specs — not the fake kind advertised in comic books, but ones that really work.
Of course, we can’t overlook the marriage issue. Consider this: In a country where the divorce rate is 50%, gays are protected in 46 states by laws preventing them from making that potentially ruinous decision! Talk about special rights!
I’m sure there are many more. The point is, turning gay could give me and my family the edge we need to cope with the tough times ahead. Besides, why not me? Why should I have my nose pressed against the gay glass window when, with a little effort and education, I could be a playa?
Don’t get me wrong. I know this can’t happen overnight. You can’t just wake up one morning and suddenly declare you’re gay. I mean, it’s not like becoming a born-again Christian. There’s got to be a process. I certainly can’t just show up in some gay bar one night and expect to be accepted as gay. I’d lack authenticity. I’d be gay without portfolio. So I’m thinking there must be some kind of certification program or online courses I could take to hasten the gay process.
Because I’m in a hurry, I’m hoping that any gay accrediting organization would consider awarding credits for “life experience.” Let me present my case:
- On several occasions, when I was younger and had more hair, gay men made either subtle or overt passes at me. Being heterosexual and all, I politely rebuffed all attempts. Still, I would argue that this constitutes a form of gay experience.
- When I was in high school I worked one year at a gift shop run by two men who were gay. Granted, I was so naive and oblivious at the time that I didn’t realize they were gay until years later. But there I was, helping old ladies and other patrons find just the right gifts for their nieces’ or nephews’ graduation. Even today, the gift-wrapping skills I learned working for the gay guys come in handy every Christmas Eve.
- I think Kathy Griffin is hilarious.
- I have a funny idea for a short comedy video. Well, it’s more of a funny title than an idea. Ready? “The Gay Zelig.” I know I’ll never do anything with it, so I’m offering it up to any creative types who have to chops to turn it into a YouTube sensation (like that Chad Vader thing) or maybe a Nickelodeon after-school special. All I ask for in return is a shout-out in the credits.
- Here’s another one. I’ve had this in my head for years, and it still makes me laugh. It’d be a skit or short film about a detective duo. The voice-over intro would go like this: “One’s a radical lesbian feminist. The other’s an early 20th-century Italian-American anarchist. Together they are ‘Sappho and Vanzetti.’” After that, it writes itself!
On the downside (or should I say “on the down low”):
- Truth be told, I’m not sexually attracted to males, nor do I ever expect to be. So if accepted as a gay, I would be somewhat of a gay manqué. From what I’ve read, though, one of the many good things about being gay — aside from all the special rights and privileges — is their promotion of tolerance and accepting people as they are. Is there not room in the gay Big Tent for a “non-practicing gay”? I say let’s add some more letters to the LGBT acronym — LGBTNPG.
- I’m happily married to a woman.
- While not every gay man in the world is Carson Kressley, it’s probably a strike against me that I’m frequently fashion-challenged. In addition, I’m partially color-blind, often confusing blue with purple as well as brown with dark green. And sometimes yellow with really light green. Further, I have no fucking idea what lavender is.
I acknowledge that these are formidable obstacles. The point is, I’m willing to learn, at least in a cultural if not sexual way. For example, with just a little retooling and forethought I can start using more “gay” words in my everyday language. So instead of saying, “That chick has a tremendous rack,” I would say, “That chick has a fabulous rack.”
OK, maybe that’s not the best example. I guess this might be more difficult than I thought. Nonetheless, I will persevere because I am highly motivated to obtain for myself and my family the special rights and privileges that gays supposedly get and that these times demand.
Wish me luck. And don’t worry, if I’m unsuccessful in becoming gay, I have a fall-back plan: I’ll become black.
