"I got some for you too"

Believe it or not, we may not have seen Mel Gibson’s career prospects hit bottom yet, despite the release of a secretly recorded audio tape in which the perpetually apoplectic actor threatens to kill Russian girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva. (Details and the actual recording at RadarOnline.)

Already under investigation for domestic violence, Gibson now has a deserved reputation as an anti-Semitic, racist, sexist, drunken, violent asshole, with sparkly blue eyes. His problem, of course, is that his repellent behavior and incoherent rampages are documented by both Oksana’s tapes and police reports. Could this Hollywood meltdown possibly get any worse?

Of course it could! Here are five ways Mel Gibson’s reputation in Hollywood and throughout the world could plummet even more.

5. Confesses to killing Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman, then setting up O.J.

4. Starts dating Dakota Fanning

3. Launches necrophilia website — Gibson’s Ghoulish Delights

2. During one-hour live special broadcast on ESPN, announces he’s signing with the Taliban

1. The Passion of the Christ, Part II

(More Celebrities)

Charlie Murphy’s Most Disturbing ‘True Hollywood Stories’

Early Memories of Dave Chappelle

‘Hey, Where’s Dirty Ol’ Bitch?’

(More Humor)

EPA: Day of Prayer Fails to Halt Gulf Spill

5 Other Jobs That Are Just Like Being President of the United States

General McChrystal’s Top 10 Excuses for Dissing Obama Team in Rolling Stone

If the Gettysburg Address Were Run Through Cursebird

Charlie is the older brother of comedian and actor Eddie Murphy. When Eddie’s career began skyrocketing in the ’80s, Charlie was there, working as part of Eddie’s entourage. In “True Hollywood Stories,” Charlie recounts his experiences playing basketball with Prince, rolling (and fighting) with Rick James and, in this segment, his run-in with a paralyzed former New England Patriots receiver during a dinner in Chicago. The truly fucked-up shit begins around the 6:15 mark.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-tpzA4wt_o

Oh, and if the ignorant comment by a racist asshole who calls himself kotapaka is still near the top of the page, feel free to vote it down. Somebody should stomp on his fucking mouth.

So either 1) Wikipedia has his birthdate wrong, 2) Dave was 17 but said he was 19, 3) Whoever told me Chappelle was 19 either was wrong or high (or both), or 4) I was wrong or high (or both). All are equal possibilities.

I mentioned in the earlier post that the Comedy Cafe’s regular open-mic host, The Fat Doctor, always introduced Chappelle as someone who was “going to be a star.” And you could see why, especially knowing how young Dave was. It’s not like Chappelle was blowing the other open-micers off the stage, it’s just that he clearly was a cut above them. Dave had more polish than anybody there — no hesitation in his delivery, no forgetting jokes, no monotone, good eye contact with the crowd, a complete lack of discernible nervousness or fear.

Having said that, Chappelle still wasn’t great by any stretch. He was just the best of an open-mic crowd. Dave wasn’t nearly as good as any number of comics you’d see back then on “Evening at the Improv,” the Budd Friedman stand-up comedy show that ran for years on A&E. But how could he be? They were seasoned, professional comedians. Chappelle was a work-in-progress, someone who had training (he had gone to — or maybe still attended — a performing-arts high school in D.C.) but lacked the years-long experience of trying out jokes, honing them, discarding the weak ones — in other words, building an act.

In the video below, Chappelle uses a joke that was in his set back in early 1991. Actually, it was more than in his set, it was one of his big laugh-getters. He might even have closed with it at the time (at least at the open-mic nights). It doesn’t come until the 0:58 mark of the video. It’s his “Batman” bit.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsowYYv8suI

Word for word, Chappelle’s “Batman” joke in this video — which probably is from a performance in the 1994-1998 range — is virtually identical to the way I had seen him do it several times in 1991, especially how he delivers the punchline. What’s different in the video is his much stronger facial and body gestures, his use of space and vocal tone in the set-up — in other words, he now is performing the joke, not just telling it. Which comes from familiarity with the material, stage time and confidence. And if there’s one thing you sense from watching Dave Chappelle perform, it’s his confidence and apparent sense of ease.

I emphasize apparent because when you watch Chappelle in the clips below being interviewed by James Tilton for a segment of Inside the Actors Studio, he appears awkward and uncomfortable (though humble and honest). Dave talks about his early days in stand-up, bombing at New York’s Apollo open-mic night (and how it liberated him), and his fondness for weed.

There are some good clips from Chappelle’s show that I’ll feature from time to time in The Bonedaddy Kingdom because, well, they’re funny.

Here’s O’Reilly’s latest pathetic effort to position himself as the Christian holiday’s noble and heroic defender:

It was one of the best days of my life, not because of the adrenaline-fueled euphoria you initially feel when you lose a job you loath, but because it gave me an excuse to start drinking in the morning. I’m kidding: I don’t need an excuse. (Double kidding!)

No, what made it great was how I responded: I stuck to the game plan I had inside my head for when that day might come. I expended almost no energy on anger, thoughts of litigation or fantasies of waterboarding. That I was looking at online porn when the CEO called surely helped cushion the blow. Whatever the reason, I kept my thoughts positive and forward-looking.

It helped immensely that I curbed the natural impulse to seek support, to tell others. Those conversations often increase your stress level because people react with such palpable concern and projected dread, they inadvertently signal to you that you’re absolutely fucked. Better to reach that conclusion yourself on Day 2. That way you own it.

The thing is, I’m not fucked. I have enough severance to last awhile. Certainly long enough to get some business plans off the ground. I prefer to focus my efforts on building my own things, as opposed to launching a futile search for employment in an economy where jobs continue to vanish and workers no longer have even the illusion of security. The new economy requires a different mindset, a bold formula for success based on self-reliance and entrepreneurialism. I believe the primary elements of this formula include:

Multiple revenue streams
Individual businesses
Leveraging social networks
Funny guy needs income

I call it the MILF System, and with it I intend to flourish in the new economy. I strongly encourage all of you to MILF it. You’ll be glad you did.

The dad and I both laughed. His boy, who looked maybe 2 1/2, was talking about me because I was wearing a hat. The little guy was staring up at me, smiling.

“I’m not a cowboy,” I said.

“Then why are you wearing a cowboy hat?” he replied.

Not a cowboy hat

The thing is, it really isn’t a cowboy hat; more of a modified porkpie. But it’s not like the kid has ever been to a haberdashery, so any explanation would have been over his head. Plus he was such a delightful young lad!

“I just like my hat,” I explained.

“Oh,” he said.

“Do you like it?” I asked.

“No,” said the little fucking brat.

Listening to him that day I realized what he does purely is an act. No one possibly could be that genuinely worked up about a light bulb (except, of course, the millions Limbaughtomy cases hanging on Rush’s every cynical, sponsor-paid utterance). He was going on and on about how if the old light bulb “was good enough for Thomas Edison,” it should be good enough for us.

As I was listening to him I remember thinking that the right wing finally had scraped the bottom of the “feigned outrage” barrel. Turns out that barrel was even deeper than I thought:

Defending Cheerios, Cereal of Liberty

Disputes over food-label claims are always political. But the current, insane iteration of the American right has walked several steps past the crazy line with its collective reaction to the Food and Drug Administration’s demand that General Mills (GIS) tone down its health claims for Cheerios.

The FDA wants General Mills to reel back its claim that Cheerios can “lower your cholesterol 4 percent in 6 weeks.” Such a claim is not backed up by science, according to a letter sent to the company by the FDA. The agency says that General Mills is making claims for its cereal that more properly, and according to federal law, should apply only to drugs designed to cure disease. The claims amount to a “serious violation” of laws governing label claims, according to the letter.

That’s true, of course. But it hasn’t stopped critics from characterizing the situation as President Obama yet again attacking a venerable American institution. Never mind that Obama almost certainly had no idea that his FDA was planning to go after Cheerios.

“It’s fairly obvious to me why the Obama administration is going after Cheerios over possible deceptive advertising,” says the Deadenders blog. “Babies love them more then him.”

Oh, snap! Can Glenn Beck steal that joke for his comedy tour? It’d be a great closer!

“This is the kind of irritating, intrusive nonsense that makes people weary of their government and every smarmy bureaucratic microbe in it,” writes David Crocker of the Behind Blue Lines blog.

Indeed. Americans always have supported the right of corporations to mislead the public for financial gain. It’s one of the cherished tenets of capitalism, Republican-style. And those meddling, sanctimonious bureaucrats? They’re no better than subhuman microbes. With unjustly great benefits, like health care.

“So I guess now the Communist-in-Chief will declare a War on Cereal,” writes Ed Anger of the Weekly World News.

Not so fast, Ed. First we have to deploy troops for the War on Christmas. Then we’ll get to cereal.

I’m wondering what will happen when the wingnuts realize the “O” shape of Cheerios is just like the “O” in Obama! This simply cannot stand! Time to mobilize and pressure General Mills to change the shape of “liberty’s cereal.” Possible alternatives:

“R” for Rush

“F” for Freedom

“T” for Teabaggers

“2″ for 2nd Amendment

“L” for Losers

I would, however, occasionally drop by that pioneering wingnut web forum, FreeRepublic. If you’re unfamiliar with FreeRepublic, you’re probably better off. It’s the kind of place where opposable thumbs confer bragging rights, a place where members with double-digit IQs are called “gifted” or “professor.”

The “Freepers,” as they call themselves, were in their glory during the height of the Iraq War, celebrating every bombing of an Iraqi school, wedding or hospital as a tremendous victory for America and freedom, gloating over the capture of Saddam in his pathetic spiderhole, masturbating over photos of the Chickenhawk-in-Chief strutting around the aircraft carrier deck with a codpiece shoved inside the crotch of his flight suit, demanding the execution of war dissenters for “treason.”

My, how the mighty dumb have fallen. As you can imagine, there’s little celebrating going on in Freeperville these days. Since November, triumphalism and smug ignorance have been supplanted by teabagging and angry incoherence. (Though there’s still plenty of masturbation, judging by recent headlines on the site such as “Sarah Palin Centerfold!” and “I Will Always Love Sarah Palin.”)

Perhaps the quintessential Freeper comment came late last month in a thread linked to a story on the Gross Domestic Product falling 6.1% in Q1. A Freeper who calls himself “TheThinker” posted this gem:

Funny, I never saw the GDP plummet under Bush.

TheThinker, you dumb shit, the GDP was down 6.3% in Q4; you know, the quarter right before this past one, when Bush still was in office. The GDP actually improved the first quarter of Obama’s presidency. Sadly, TheThinker is Albert Fucking Einstein compared to other Freepers.

But I digress. The point of this blog post is laughter and entertainment. In that spirit, I give you highlights of the Freeper thread linking to a story about the 2009 White House Correspondents’ Dinner. In the thread the Freepers are simply beside themselves with rage and frustration over the fact that President Obama not only is black, but is having great fun for the night. The display of infantile fury is impressive even by Freeper standards. It is a joy to behold.

I’ve culled some of the gems and organized them into categories to give you a flavor of the proceedings.  So prepare yourselves for a bracing dip into what I like to call “the Shallow End of the Gene Pool.”

FASHION AND APPEARANCE CRITIQUES

I don’t know who she is, but a lot of these women are very superficially pretty, but their very nasty commie lib attitudes have a detrimental effect on their looks. Specifically, they always look terribly constipated. — Armedanddangerous

I made up nothing here.

Her butt-ugly personal dresser needs to introduce her to a good undergarment fitter and get those boobs and a few other things in the right place if she is going to insist on wearing clothing at least a size too small. — Arizona Carolyn

Don’t worry, though. The Freepers aren’t all about looks and other superficialities. Check out the serious chops they display in:

OBAMA’S SPEECH

Everything about him sucks. He has no timing, no good will … — STARWISE

His delivery is so bad — pbear8

I’d say he should keep his day job, but that thought continues to sicken me. – anniegetyourgun

Listen to these damn media hyenas yukking it up. I don’t think I have enough liquor in the house tonight for this. — Dinah Lord

He has NO sense of humor at all. His sense of humor consists of mean, snide remarks that he thinks are funny. He is NOT a nice person. He’s mean and hateful. — mojitojoe

His arrogance knows no bounds. Pathetic jokes and those off colored remarks are certainly not appropriate for the teens in the audience. — StarFan

It’s painful to watch. I’m serious about not having enough liquor in the house. I really must go check. — Dinah Lord

I, for one, have no doubt that Dinah is serious, just as I have no doubt she does not have enough liquor in the house. Nor ever will.

WANDA SYKES

Could she be more boring? — CaptRon

What a NO TALENT !! — W-Girl

Disgusting obscene joke about Sarah Palin…..what a disgrace she is! – JulieRNR21

That was a dishonorable insult to her and her family and the B**** speaking deserves a fist across the jaw from Sarah. — digital-olive

She is an Ugly Witch! Her comment about Rush just then was disgusting! The RATS are disgusting! – True Republican Patriot

BEST part is she was kind of low brow for Prez Arugula and Lady Armpit. — PghBaldy

I’M NO RACIST, BUT…

By the way, with all this yukkin’ it up…Santa Barbara’s got a bit of a situation…who the bugger from this administration is handling it? Or are there not enough of my darker skinned brothers in peril for them to pay it mind? — Christian4Bush

wanda the lesbo…well way to be original and knock on dick cheney and rush limbaugh and then say the next white president will move the sojourner truth statue to the kitchen…that’s what happens when your career has jumped the shark and no one knows who your are…nor cares…this dinner was 5 stars…assuming each star represents massive amounts of fail…or racism towards white people… — wheresmycheckbarry?

It seems that the O’s know they are so low they can only elevate themselves by trashing their betters. — Carley

I wish Todd had gone up to the podium and given her a real dressing down. In another age she would have gotten a good caning. — tet68

Both of them are as talented and funny as a sheet of fabric softener. Both of them only have any semblance of careers because of their races – let’s be honest! — GOPsterinMA

…it ticks me off so much that this Wanda Sykes idiot was given a podium to say such vile things…all she shows is how uneducated she is…I bet she has some family members who got pregnant out of wedlock. — Sarah Barracuda

Really, what can you say about that last sentence?

JUST HATIN’

What an arrogant POS and his wife. — SoCalPol

Pres. Ears has that arrogant upturned nose facing the sky again! — kcvl

He is the ultimate in creepy. – Bahbah

I really wonder why any of you bothered watching these lowlife s-—birds all evening. Did you expect anything less than a bunch of scumbags spewing hatred directed at anyone who won’t worship at their feet? The fascist left can never be gracious either in victory or defeat. — Yankee

Yankee said graciously in defeat.

He is revolting. He is mentally ill. He is mean. He is an elitist egomaniac. He is not a nice person in any way shape or form. He is a bitter man. — mojitojoe

Note: This was just one small part of a huge rant that mojitojoe did. He loaded up for that one. I recommend the full version. It’s Comment #397. It’s almost a litany and reminds me a lot of Bob Dylan’s “A Hard Rain’s Gonna Fall,” except there’s no music and the words are the deranged rantings of a right-wing maniac rather than the stark lyrical poetry of an immensely talented young singer-songwriter.

BEYOND THE FRINGE (OR ‘SAY WHAT?’)

Anyone seen Glenn Beck yet ? His Monday show should be hilarious. (But he absolutely cracks me up every day.) — STARWISE

I’d be at the People table and I would have earlier changed seating cards so that I was next to Brooke Shields. I think she and I would get along well. — jla

He broke a lot a stuff. Real funny. You knew the Palin deal was coming. You didn’t know how low it was going to be did you? Why don’t Democrats pay their fair share of taxes then? — Dinah Lord

By this time it appears Dinah had pretty much located and consumed any alcohol in her house.

Between Wanda’s disgusting comments and those of Obama, used properly the American Public will landslide the Republicans back in 2010 and 2012! Yah Hoo! — True Republican Patriot

just caught some b-roll cut away footage of it where I work….when she was slightly jabbing Obie he took a sip of his water and quietly said into his glass “Leave me aloneeee” UNBELIEVABLE..UNFREAKINBELIEVABLE…did anyone else catch this from the main feeds on the major networks…???? WOW — wheresmycheckbarry?

I fear for our Country. Keep pushing us mister O, the tea parties were just a start. – Bush Revolution

Ooooooh! And they’ll show us again on the Fourth of July!

Deer in head lights oh dang the National Anthem…

What is this deal hauling in the flag like it was at a game??

And than putting the flag away!

What were those other flags? — restornu

I think that one above was an attempt at haiku.

George Bush had more class in his small finger than Zero has in his whole body plus this White House correspondence dinner. — snugs

O thinks that by not attending Church the Lord won’t notice his evil ways. We’ll see, won’t we. — Carley

Just a small sample of the sober rationality that prevails 24/7 over at FreeRepublic. I will visit occasionally and keep you up-to-date on the cutting-edge thinking of the Patriotic Right. This is Bonedaddy King reporting from the Shallow End of the Gene Pool.